Thursday, May 22, 2008

Long-distance and Sexless

No. I didn’t write long-distance and senseless, although long-distance relationships are often senseless and sexless.

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone, but come on, think about it? Isn't the title a little redundant?

Okay. So here’s the deal. I’m not kidding when these titled articles land right into my lap, or SLIDE into my e-mail in box. It just doesn’t get any better than this for me.

I love question and answer type articles, especially after a juicy tag line, which just happens to be today’s blog title. Here’s the question:

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and have had a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. We only see each other every two months and we have been apart even longer on occasion. The last two times we got together he just does not seem to want intimacy. This last time, I visited for nine days and he only wanted to be sexual three or four times. Each night, nothing happened. I just waited. But then one night I said something about it and he said he was tired. I understand that because he was not out on spring break at the same time I was. I asked if he was still attracted to me and he said he was. He said he has just not felt up to it and that he is getting older. But he's only 25! I asked if it was me and he said no. Can you help me understand what's going on?

Feel free to read through the author's answer, or simply scroll down to my answer, which is of course very much to the point.

ANSWER: There are numerous reasons why a man may stop being sexual with his partner and age has little to do with it.
It is possible that after three years, the hormones that cause most couples to have sex as frequently as they possibly can have shifted in your boyfriend. The change from extreme lust to a quieter sort of contentment often takes place after a year or two. He may still love you and want to be with you, just not in as passionate a way as you might like, or expect. It in no way necessarily reflects his love for you. You mention being sexual three or four times in nine days -– hardly a sexless relationship. You said he told you that he was tired –- well, he well may be. You also wrote about "spring break." If he's in graduate school and also has a job, he may be exhausted.
Consider that having sex every two or three days may be all the intimacy wants at this time in his life. If you were living together instead of apart, having sex every other day or so after three years probably wouldn't seem so disappointing to you. But, you're not. And so, when you visit, you expect everything to be like the very first time. It's a romantic but unrealistic notion. You may need the reassurance of him wanting you the way he did three years ago more than the actual intimacy itself. It is also possible that you have a higher level of desire than he does at this point in your lives.
It is also possible that your partner is depressed or anxious, both of which have libido-lowering effects. If he is taking medications for either of these conditions, they may also cause a loss of libido.
You also have to realize that your boyfriend may be reconsidering your relationship. You are apart for two months or more at a time, and that would be difficult for any couple to navigate. You have got to have a serious conversation with him –- something way above the level of "Is it me?" Realistically, did you think he would say yes?
Speak to him about the future. Do the two of you plan to be together when he finishes his degree? Do you intend to live together or marry? Do you want to start a family? Or, is he having second thoughts about the relationship? (It is possible, but hard to imagine a 25-year-old man would think that his libido was weakening because of age. That sounds more like an excuse than a reason). And if his libido is, in fact, significantly lower than yours, are you having doubts? Do you both feel the same way about important issues like fidelity and spirituality? What about the type of careers you are planning? Do you respect each others choices? How about the way you intend to approach financial issues? We think you see the way we are heading here –- sex is an important part of a relationship, but a relatively small one. It is looming large for you because you are so often apart from your boyfriend -– and for you, passion equals love. But love is really made up of so many things, including understanding, listening to and respecting one another, friendship, fidelity, and trust. Take care that all of those things are as important to you as keeping a sexual scorecard

Neve Black’s Answer:
Alert. Alert. Alert. Harsh Message Coming:
Pull your head out of your ass. He’s fucking someone else, sister. No conversation in the world is going to make much of a difference either. He's a young stud of 25; you're far, far away, so he's banging someone that lives a little closer; helping to ease the pain with pleasure in between your infrequent visits. No worries though. The best way to get over one guy is to get another one on top of you, or underneath you…go cowgirl, go...! One more thought: Might I suggest finding a man that lives a little closer to your bedroom this time?

p.s. Belt buckle above can be purchased via Etsy here.

No comments: