Gulp. Bridesmaid Dresses

I think I’m finally passed the age of being asked to be in someone’s wedding. Let me be more specific: Asked to be in a traditional, wear a frou-frou, awful colored bridesmaid dress, type of wedding. Thank God getting older is good for something, right?

I’ve been a bridesmaid, a maid or matron of honor on more than one occasion. I guess the good news is: I haven’t had to be in the same bride’s wedding more than once. And if she were to ask me to go through all that nonsense again, for a second time, then I would kindly decline. If she persisted, I would ask if I could wear the bridesmaid dress I wore in her first wedding. Yep. That should finally cease the question, “will you be in my wedding?”

Fuck. No. Stop asking me.

I re-read that first paragraph and it sounds like I’m a little, well, jaded. But I’m not. Really, I’m not. Actually, I’m a die-hard romantic. I love, love. Birds start singing on cue whenever I hear about two people finding one another in this crazy, mixed-up world we live in. I find comfort in knowing that it’s possible to meet someone really special and co-create a life.

Anyway, back to the ridiculous and often, hideous bridesmaid dresses. Don't you love it when the bride insists on choosing a color and a dress, while in her warped sense of, “I’m not in my normal state of mind, because I am the bride” and she will honestly look at you straight in the eyes and say, “well, this dress is nice, because you can always wear it again.” Dead pan silence from me. All you bride’s to be out there, listen up! WE BRIDESMAIDS WILL NOT BE WEARING THE DRESS THAT YOU THINK IS THE CAT’S MEOW AFTER YOUR SHINDIG IS OVER. WHY? BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING UGLY.

You simply can’t wear something that falls into the category of chiffon out it public, or well, I can’t. I won’t. I’ve never burned a bridesmaid dress before, but good God, at one time in my life, the back of my closet was lined with so many bridesmaid dresses, I could have fueled a bonfire. I was having difficulty finding room for my normal clothes, like 501 jeans, tee-shirts and cute, normal dresses made of cotton, in neutral colors, like white, or black.

I wish brides would get together and choose one style and one color, so that we suckers that elect to share in your glorious moment while wearing pink, taffeta can simply wear the same fucked up dress to the next bride-to-be’s wedding. It would save a lot of money, time and space in my closet, because that would be the only time I would be able to wear it again.