Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Is it Live, or is it Virtual?

Back in the day, golly-gee, I say that a lot, don't I? Oh well, fuck it. Back in the day, I remember a somewhat virtual term; a tagline one company would use to sell its cassette tapes.

Is it live, or is it Memorex?

Does anyone but me remember that? I do. I told you, I'm old school. Well, guess what? Memorex is still using the same damn line. I guess it works for them, eh?

Or, hey what about the movie, Weird Science? Two nerdy high school boys create the perfect woman (Kelly LeBrock) by using a barbie doll and an electrical storm. That's a virtual story any chemistry teacher would be proud of.
I'm sure everyone is familiar with the term, virtual. There's virtual reality, which is probably just a fancy-schmancy way to say, surreal. The virtual world of anything is so fascinating to me, because it's not real, but it is real. Yeah. I know, it's confusing. I'm not talking fake; not real. Fake, like a woman you may know in your life that's just bought a new set of ta-ta's, not real. I'm talking, virtual, not real, but real. Are you with me so far?

Someone I know has a VA.


What do you mean you don't know what VA stands for?

Oh come on, get with it. Are you old school, or something? It doesn't mean, The Veteran's Administration either.

VA= Virtual Assistant.

Can you imagine having a Virtual Assistant? I lay awake at night just thinking about all the possibilities my very, hot, hunk-of-a-man, VA could do for me. Ahem. Real things, but not really, real things that could get me in some real serious trouble. Good lord, I'm starting to sweat.

Make sense, so far? Yes, No?

Okay, let me explain VA in more detail. As an example, a Virtual Assistant, could be a Virtual Office Assistant, and handle the details of a business owner's administrative needs. The business owner would have a myriad of daily, weekly and monthly tasks completed by his or her, VA. The trade off is paying the VA a set fee for their services, but not pay for their fringe benefits, like medical insurance, payroll costs, vacation time, etc. Fringe benefits can often become exhorbant for the business owner and they're usually expected to be paid to a real employee.

The VA does not expect fringe benefits, because they're not a real employee, they're virtual.

Are you beginning to catch on now? Okay. Great.

At one point, I tossed around the idea of becoming a VA, mostly because I wanted the word, Virtual in my job title, but the life of a porn writer seems to be my vocation. I'm sure there's a Neve story floating around somewhere in my brain about a woman, her pussy and a rented VA.... It's probably my fantasy, but hmmm.... Anyway, I'm digressing here.

So, just ponder all the those pesky tasks that nag at you; needing to get done, but you just don't have the time. Alas, the virtual world is here to help. Here's a few things on my list:

1. Have an ex-boyfriend murdered.
Laugh and snicker all you want, but this has real virtual, potential.

2. Have a Virtual affair.
You have to admit, this could be outrageous and fun.

3. Have my VA run a marathon for me.
My knees get sore. I don't have time for the training.

4. Have my VA make family visits.
I don't have the time and I'd rather not deal with the grief. It's the perfect solution.

What would you have your VA do for you? Please share.

BTW: The first image above is not from Memorex, but one of its Virtual/Real competitors, Maxell.


Anonymous said...

I am a fan of the VA affair but would have a VA come to the office late at night and do all my paper crap and other work completely nude.

Your new fan!

Neve Black said...

Hmmm... Interesting comment, Anon.

Wouldn't you be tempted by having a nude VA in your house, late at night? Ahem. Tempted into helping with the paper work, that is.

I'm sure I would be; tempted that is.

Anonymous said...

I would have my VA at my work office not home office. She would simply come into the office and help me finish paperwork but hang all of her clothes up as she walks into the small office closing the door behind her. My VA would stay focused on getting all the work done while i watch her bend and move. Not giving into the temptation because this would ruin the moment before you engage and that is the time your heart is racing and giving off the drugs that your brain loves so much. By connecting too soon you would shorten this perfect situation. No, i would watch and push all the limits without every using the holepunch until it is impossible not to. Thats is how i would work with my VA. :)

Neve Black said...

Dear A,
Oh my. It appears you've given this a lot of thought. sounds like you might be ready to find yourself some office help, eh?


Anonymous said...

Taking applicatins daily for this VA job but no one seems to be sending em in. LOL. doesn't seem to like the postings i put out there for it. :( lol. Let me know if you know someone interested.