New and Improved

I wrote this to my friend Dave, a computer genius in an e-mail recently after I thought about putting my head into the oven:

"My eyes are glazing over, and I think my head is going to explode from looking at so many different laptops and all their various components. SOS.

Good God...I need a Nordstrom personal shopper to handle this detail and wouldn't cha' know, I shop at Unique Thrift. Damn."

I'm considering upgrading my laptop to a sleeker, sexier, new and improved model: Think laptop on a slimfast diet that promises to help me win a Pulitzer Prize kind of laptop. The trouble is one of my favorite words is FREE. You see, I don't want to spend any money to upgrade. Yeah. I know, it's problematic.

Much to my discomfort, I finally snapped out of my daydreaming state of FREE and dove into deep end of reality; realizing I would have to pay some money for my upgrade. I started searching for laptops with my current laptop (unfaithful as it may seem). I've run up hills steeper than the set of specs I've read through trying to conquer, hell just understand what the fuck one laptop has compared to another. Damn, I need a job aid just to get through the comparison charts.

Here's the top 10 things I need my laptop to have:

1. Light weight.

2. Internet access.

3. Light weight (Oops. Already covered this one).

4. Acts as gourmet cook on the side.

5. Gives a good kuchie licking at the snap of my fingers. Just kidding. Sort of.

6. Metamorphizes into a 12" cock. Just kidding. Sort of. Okay. 8" will have to do, I suppose.

7. Acts as a Muse when needed.

8. Helps with writer's block.

9. Light weight (I'm praying for osmosis).

10. Doesn't talk back.

Is this unrealistic? Should I go turn the oven back on?

How do you write H-E-L-P in binary code?

Ciao

Neve

p.s. The cool computer keyboard piece above can be ordered via Etsy here.