Monday, April 7, 2008

Crazy In Love

I pulled the internet up this morning, and as always my default landing page glared back at me; flashing its fancy colors and exposing me to the news of the day. There was one story that caught my eye: “What keeps a man crazy in love?” Immediately before reading through the article, I was raising my hand, motioning from the back of the room, like Arnold Horshak, or Vinnie Barbarino from the television sitcom, Welcome Back Kotter, “Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Pick me, pick me, I know the answer!” The article listed eleven items that are supposed to 'super-glue' your marriage and keep a man crazy in love with you. "Hmmm... sounds intriguing," I thought. I read the article. Needless to say, the author’s top eleven items slightly differed from my top eleven items (Yeah. I know, shocking). So for fun, I thought I’d sauce up the authors list; adding just a pinch of spice.

1. Learn to Play Poker
Why? So you can socialize his way for a change.

Learn to Play Poker; Naked
Why? So you can really give new meaning to the words, “upping the ante.”

2. Give the Perfect Backrub
Why? Because there's more than one way to make a guy moan in complete and utter satisfaction.

Start with a Backrub and Finish with a Hand Job
Why? Because there’s more than one way to make a guy moan in complete and utter satisfaction.

3. Tie His Tie for Him
Why? Because it's such a sexy, retro, little-wifey move

Tie Him up. Blindfold Him and Fuck Him
Why? Because it’s hot!

4. Make a Mean Steak
Why? That hulking slab o' beef appeals to his most manly side

Make his Cock Your Steak
Why? Because I’ve never been able to really make a steak the way a man can. Hell! I’d much rather eat his cock-steak!

5. Wake Him Up in the Morning
Why? So he'll start his day with a smile — at the very least.

I concur on this one.

6. Give Him a Barbershop Shave
Why? He'll get a sexy little thrill from letting you wield all the power while he submits to your capable hands.

Back Away From the Sharp Instruments!
Why? Because he’ll think the next step leads to boiled bunny’s on the stove. Yikes!

7. Strip
Why? Because he really — please, baby, please — wants you to.

Strip Only for Him
Why? Because it’s fucking hot!

8. Have a Conversation with His Boss
Why? Because he or she is the adult who, after you, matters most in your husband's daily life. So you want to play it just right.

Have a Conversation with His Boss and Let Him Know What a Kind of a Real SOB You Think He is!
Why? Two reasons: 1. Once he loses his job, he’ll have more time to stay at home and fuck you all day. 2. Losing his job will propel him into landing his dream job and he’ll thank you by wanting to fuck you all day.

9. Throw Him a Super Surprise Party
Why? Because he'll never forget that you made him feel so special

Throw Him a Super Surprise Party; Invite Strippers
Why? Because he’ll never forget that you made him feel so special

10. Leave Him a Sexy Voice Mail at Work
Why? So he'll have a really compelling reason to get home on time.

Leave Him a Sexy VM at Work and or Text Message
Why? So he’ll have a really compelling reason to masturbate in the men’s room

11. Quote at Least Three Lines from The Godfather
Why? Guys believe the Corleones know what it is to be a man. Yours just wants to know you get it. Capisce?

I have respect for the Godfather (parts 1-100), but what are you trying accomplish by quoting this man’s man verbiage? Try quoting anything said in a Jenna Jamieson movie, your results might be more titillating. Oh, did I just say that?

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