Friday, July 11, 2008

Death by Couch

I'm fascinated with death, more specifically murder. I'm sorry. I'm probably going to freak everyone out now by actually admitting that little tid-bit of secret information about my already morbid, raunchy, bad-kitty, brain. I'm not necessarily in the market to murder anyone, well not today anyway (kidding). God, I can't kill a bug that's found its way into my house, let alone plan to kill another person. Yikes. That's too scary; far too much jail time, and really, really bad Karma.

I scoop up any little critter, regardless of how big, small or how many arms and legs it may have, and put it back outside into the world it came from. Remind me to tell you about the freaky praying mantis in my bathroom of all things some day....but not today. That's digressing too far from diabolical murder. Insert Vincent Price movie organ music here.

"A Russian woman in St. Petersburg killed her drunk husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported on Wednesday. St. Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall. The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband. Police refused to comment. Emergency workers said the man died instantly."

I don't make this shit up either. I might be the only person that catches these stories, and then feels compelled to blog about them, but I don't make it up.

Can you imagine killing your spouse by folding them into a wall couch?

It's really hard for me to get my head wrapped around this (Uh. Oh. No pun intended), because a wall couch conjures up a different image for me; a comedic image. Not that the story above doesn't hinge upon satire, but I don't think it was supposed to be funny.

The wall couch image for me is from a very fun movie titled: Foul Play. It starred Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase. Did anyone see it? The late, great comedic actor Dudley Moore played the character, Stanley Tibbits. Stanley epitomized the pathetic, sad and lonely guy that hangs out in night clubs; trying to get lucky, and lets just say, his character struggled quite a bit in the getting laid arena. Anway, Stanely leers Goldie Hawn back to his apartment. The only reason she agrees to go with Stanley is because she's seeking protection from an albino and a dwarf who have been chasing her.

Goldie Hawn, "Do you have any binoculars?"

Dudley Moore, "What's that? Binoculars. Are you into that, too? Me, as well. I read about it in Penthouse. Just a second."

Stanley thinks this is it, he's finally gonna get some pussy, so he opens the infamous wall couch, complete with a red, velvet duvet cover. He has all the accoutrements to go with it too: Mirrors on the ceiling, blow up dolls, dirty movie playing, music, booze; he looks like a circus act. It's hysterical.

Anway, do you think it's possible that the death by couch story was an accident, or could there possibly be some foul play involved? Insert Vincent Price movie organ music.


Dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Please feel free to contact (kidding).



Link3220 said...

For the weirdest (okay, funniest) deaths, you can't top the Darwin awards. Every year they award those who by their own stupidity took themselves out of the breeding pool. Okay, so the cleaning lady at the hospital killed off unfortunate patients, when she unplugged their life support machines so she could plug in her floor polisher. But most just offed themselves. My favorite might be the zoo keeper who... oh, let me copy and paste the story...

" PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly - and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents. "

I wouldn't be surprised to see our current president George W someday on that list.

Neve Black said...

Wow. That was definately noteworthy. Thanks for sharing.

I concur with your final statement, because as we all know there's just no cure for stupid.

Have a great one.