Friday, July 25, 2008

Excuse me, but I seem to have misplaced my balls....

I saw a Sex and the City episode once where Carrie Bradshaw's boyfriend, Jack Burger left her a Post-it-Note that said, "Im sorry. I can't. Don't hate me." That was his way of breaking up with her. I remember thinking to myself and then confirming my thoughts, by announcing them out loud in my living room, "That guy's a real fuck head."

What a shitty way to face the music. Can you say, cowardly lion in dire need to find his courage, or perhaps, he's just misplaced his balls?

I understand the stomach quivering and arduous task of confrontration. Lets face it, unless you're Osama Bin Laden, most people don't like confrontration.

I've had a couple guys end things with me on the telephone. I like to refer to that type of break up as going 100 mph, and getting pushed out of the car. I was scraped up badly; bleeding profusely, and overall my body felt bruised. Yeah. Nice, huh?

Aside from Carrie's Post-it-Note, the telephone to me is as equally cowardly. I mean, come on, the phone? Have the common courtesy to at least meet the person for coffee, lunch, a godamn fucking drink and do what's right: "I don't see you and I running off into the sunset together, but you mean enough to me that I wanted to speak with you personally about the relationship."

It's not that hard, really, it isn't, I swear. Breaking up with someone the right way, not only leaves you in good karmic standing with the universe, but you also have to be feeling pretty good about knowing you stepped up; you did the right thing, even if it wasn't pleasant. In the long run the other person's feelings were saved; respected.

So, now you're ready face the dating world again, and your reputation hasn't been trashed on the streets. People talk, you know. We all know who the shitty-ass breaker uppers are, and we pay attention to that shit. Six-degrees of separation, my friend. I live in a city that's more like, two-degrees of separation.

I've had to break up with men before. No, of course it's no a trip to Disneyland, but for fuck sake's, meeting with someone personally is the right thing to do (I keep repeating that, don't I). If you've been spending time with someone, dating them; divulging family secrets and having any kind of sex, even if it hasn't been mind-blowing, Oh My God, you found my G-spot, and I'm a guy, lets get married kind of sex, then look down at those two dangling things that reside in between your legs; in between that singular and longer dangling thing; study it closely, because THOSE ARE YOUR BALLS. Please remember to use them when it's time to say bye-bye to a woman in your life.

I sound a little bitter, don't I? Sorry. This post goes out to women too, not just men. I just happen to date men, and I've been the recipient of a couple of men that forgot they had a set of balls, or they simply misplaced them. Women can be just as cowardly too, so yes, of course the same applies to them: Find your clit, and break up with him; do it like a man, damnit!

Why am I writing about this today, you're asking? Well, it's a good question, and while I was busy pulling up the on-line dictionary, I was sidebar'd into reading a story I accidentally stumbled upon (I know. I know, there really are no accidents, right?) I've pasted the story below:

The old song had it right: Breaking up is hard to do. But a free new phone service called Slydial might make it easier to get through that and other awkward moments — without actually having to talk to anyone. Slydial lets you connect directly with another person's cell phone voice mail, bypassing the traditional ringing process that often results — sometimes disastrously — with someone picking up on the other end.

Users call (267) SLY-DIAL from either a cell phone or a landline, and are prompted to enter another person's cell phone number. After playing a short advertisement — unless users pay a subscription fee or 15 cents per call to skip ads — Slydial puts callers directly into their target's voice mail. Recipients should then get a voice mail notification, and sometimes they will see a caller's number show up as a missed call, too.

"Everybody has gone through the scenario where they've called somebody and just hoped they got voice mail so they didn't have to have a conversation," Macomber, the company's CEO said

I'm so tempted to send Mr. Macomber a I'm breaking my Sly-DIAL contract with you VM, and see how he likes it, but it would contradict everything I just ranted about. I wonder if it would be appropriate and at all appreciated if I sent him a text message instead; reminding him where his balls are located. Nah. Never mind.



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